Party Like It's 1999 (B.C.)

Korea's cultural history is as long and rich as Rain's auburn locks.

It's okay, this Rain's safe to drink...

Most historians place the beginning of the Gojoseon Dynasty, Korea's oldest dynasty, at around 2333 B.C. This means that the nation as a whole has a unique cultural identity that is over 4,000 years old, or roughly 20x longer than that of the United States. Then again in all that time, they never had the entertainment foresight to put eight orange meatheads in a beach house and broadcast their lives so that the rest of the country could mock how blissfully stupid and orange they are.

(And if that's not entertaining enough for you, wait five years until bets start being taken on which killer finally brings this pony show to a close: melanoma, chlamydia, or hepatitis C. My money's on Snookie bagging the Triple Crown.)

...another two minutes of my life wasted on that show.

This past weekend I had the privilege of witnessing a display of Korea's creativity and cultural heritage in the form of a celebratory parade in Jeonju. Jeonju, a small city about three hours south of Seoul, is well-known for preserving the country's traditional feel, albeit in a Colonial Williamsburg sort of fashion. I tried asking some bystanders what the cause for celebration was, but due to my limited Korean I was only able to get as far as "Anyong-haseyo" (Hello), "Gamsa-hamnida" (Thank you), and "Yi-yakeun-jegeosi-ani-eyo" (Those drugs aren't mine).

It started out, almost spontaneously it seemed, with some festive folk music music and dancing.

But before long--call it Manifest Destiny--the Americans arrived and started stealing the show, with a little help from the Coalition of the Willing. Willing to Get Down!

(Note: The ceremonial camera drop is a 21st century addition.)

And as is the case whenever America brashly enters a foreign country and imposes its will on the native population, it ended in a big party!

No exit strategy needed.

How I Spent My Class Trip

Today our class went to the Jeonju Traditional Cultural Center.  It was fun.  We took a bus to get there.  Teacher made us wear matching EPIK sweatshirts in case we got lost.

I sat next to a girl named Jess.  She got mad at me because I said I had more best friends than her.  Also she has cooties so I gave myself a shot, but then she said I forgot to say square square even though I did and then she touched my knee and said I had cooties now and I was like nu-uh.

When we got to the center, the first thing we did was play with for real Korean drums.

 

This is Mark.  He's one of my best friends.

It was fun.  Next we had arts and crafts time.  Teacher showed us how to make authentic Korean cell phone accessories.  I had trouble making mine so Teacher had to help me.  Jess laughed at me so I called her gay.  She got mad.

 

Teacher didn't see me do this.

After arts and crafts we got to go on stage and learn a Korean dance.

 

 

Teacher said my dancing wasn't very good.  Jess made fun of me again.  I wanted to cry.

 

This is a lion.

Next we ate lunch.  I had to sit next my accountabilabuddy.  Guess who that was..

Korea has many interesting buildings.  The people are very nice.  They speak a different language.  I don't know what it's called.

 

 

I had fun on my class trip and I learned a lot.  Korea is an interesting place and there are lots of fun activities to do.

The End

Korea Under Construction, Please Use Japan

 Korea's national mascot for construction site safety, Be-bob the Builder

Over the past few decades South Korea has experienced economic growth not seen since Al Gore's invention of the interweb in the mid-90s.  Led by advances in technology, telecommunications, and the auto industry, the nation has acquired the name The Asian Tiger, as opposed to its neighbor North Korea, which is known around the world as Satan's Asshole.  One effect of this boom has been widespread construction throughout the country.  On my initial bus ride from the airport to Jeonju University, it was nearly impossible to look out the window without seeing some type of structure being torn down or built up, or a rolling countryside literally being rolled around by mud-caked bulldozers, ready to make way for tomorrow's PC-bong.  (PC-bong is the Korean and more hilarious way of saying PC cafe.)

  

Typical Korean construction site.  Different from similar sites back home in Long Island in that men are actually working.

As a testament to its economic achievements, the Republic of Korea has been elected as the chair country for the G-20 in 2010.  This means that over the next year, the nation as a whole will bear a special burden as the most powerful countries in the world come together to work diligently to eventually get around to developing a plan to start tackling some of mankind's most pressing issues.  To learn more about the G-20's efforts or to see the body of nations in action, visit their website: G-20 Official Website.

In an ideal world, Korea will play to its home field advantage this year and instill in its counterparts some of the dynamism and industry that's circulating through its streets like crystal meth through Fergie's veins.  You can bet that if The Asian Tiger takes point and works the same magic that it has within its own borders, not only will more families have bread on the table, but more toilets will have tiny robotic scrubbers that circle the brim and do their business after you're done doing yours.  That's right, they have those.  I'll try to remember my camera the next time I go to make a Big American...

 

 Reads: Coming Soon, Something So Technologically Advanced It Won't Be Coming to Your Country for Another Five Years!!

Anyong from Asbury Park!

For starters:

15 hour plane ride + 4 hour wait in Incheon International Airport + 4 hour bus ride to Jeonju = not happy Big American Man.

Being a stranger in a strange land can take a toll on anyone's mental health. The fix, according to many culture shock studies that I made up for this blog, is maintaining contact with friends and loved ones from your homeland. That's why, upon searching for a pronounceable meal at the airport, my bad mood trickled away when I was greeted by a few old friends:



Note: Here KFC stands for Korean Fried Chicken. And like it's American counterpart, it's smeared in delicious chicken tears.

I decided to dive right in and sample some of the local fare, so for 4,000 Korean Won, or about 6 American cents, I had the pleasure of trying what the locals here call an "Egg McMuffin." The rough English translation I believe is "Egg McMuffin," or more literally, "Most Esteemed Son of Chicken Muffin." But my Korean is still a little rusty.

After breakfast I went looking for something to satisfy my big American sweet tooth, and I made my way to small convenience store called Mini Stop (also a popular brand of Korean condoms). And there I found the following:

I've never been a church-going man, but at the moment I first saw this waffery, chocolate-coated chunk of serendipity, I was never more sure that there was a God, that He loved us very much, and that like Pat Robertson has been preaching for years, He too is a Big American Man.