Six Ways of Looking at Kim Jong-Il

Kim Jong-Il is a bad dude.  You won't find many people in the free world who would disagree with that.  But taking the paradigm of evildoer one step further, you get a lot of different opinions as to what type of bad guy he really is: tyrannical, soulless, bat-shit crazy?  I've heard a number of varying and equally valid depictions of the North Korean dictator since I've been in Korea, most of which were reiterated to me over the past week.  Starting with...

#6 Crazy old man

At 69 years old, it can be said that Mr. Kim is no spring chicken.  It can also be said that in his golden years he's evolved into a full-fledged cuckoo bird, ignoring any advice or warnings from the outside world, including that of China, North Korea's only remaining ally.  And even they seem to be reaching their breaking point these days.  Like the disgruntled son-in-law who has gotten one too many phone calls from the police informing him that Pops has been shooting at the squirrels on his front lawn again, at some point you've just got to make that decision to put him in a home.

#5 Cold War relic

Like nuclear winter, martian invasions, and Beat poetry, communism has proven itself over the past 60 years to be nothing more than passing fear, a temporary nuisance diverting our eyes from the true threat to our freedom: terror babies.  But apparently when the Communist Party was being broken up by the world police in the early 90s, Kim Jong-Il was in the bathroom combing his hair and practicing pickup lines in the mirror to use on that cute Vietnamese girl.  And now that he's been ditched by all of his comrades, he's intent on bringing this party back to life, lip syncing to Journey and dancing the night away until everyone realizes what a cool guy he really is.

#4 That weird annoying kid in the back of the classroom

What do you do when you're not smart enough to be the valedictorian, not athletic enough to be the star quarterback, not big enough to be the bully, and not funny enough to be the class clown?  You become that kid who sits in the back of the classroom and shoots spit balls at the guy in front of you.  Now a bully would follow it up with a quick ear flick or an inflammatory hand gesture, just to remind you that shitcake tastes better with a nice glass of go-fuck-yourself.  But not That Kid.  That Kid just looks back down at his book when you turn around, trying to hide his smirk as you face the blackboard again and peel the wet glob of paper off your neck.  And when he does get caught--which is every single time--he's always got the same excuse ready for Teacher: "He started it!"

#3 The Joker

First off, push any thoughts of Heath Ledger out of your mind.  He had his moment in the sun, let's just retire his memory to the vast Halls of Famous People Who Forgot That Ambien Can't Be Ingested Like Skittles.  Secondly, remove any preconceived notions you may have that being an individual agent of chaos is better than being one more rank-and-file superhero.  It's not, and you don't have the shoulders to pull off that black trench coat.  Rather, being the Joker is a miserable existence.  You spend all your time trying to piss people off for no good reason, never get laid, receive fewer Christmas cards than Charlie Brown, and probably sleep in a shithole motel every night because your poor credit history prevents you from renting from a respectable co-op.  But what's most infuriating to any comic-reader or movie-watcher or pop culture-knower, is why the hell they didn't give this guy the chair years ago.  Granted comic book characters seem to live in a Groundhog Day-esque world where mass murders and killing sprees are forgiven and forgotten like Paris Hilton's prior cocaine possessions.  But at some point one of the senior officers at Gotham PD must have said to himself, "You know, Arkham's security is suspect at best, rehabilitation hasn't seemed to work the past 50 times...let's just fry the fucknut."  And yet every few months, like clockwork, there he is again, creating mischief and causing problems ranging from bad-mouthing mainstream society to murdering innocent civilians.

#2 A Dog That's Just Been Fixed

When my dog Frankenstein got spayed, the doctor apparently removed the part of her brain that regulates bladder control.  She pissed on everything within reach in my apartment.  She pissed on my couch, she pissed on my bed, she pissed on my windowsill.  She even pissed next to her water bowl while getting a drink of water, apparently wasting no time with hydration or digestion.  (She also took a poop behind my dresser, the logistics of which action have remained a mystery to this day.)  The point is that at first it seemed like she didn't know any better, that she wasn't in her right state of mind following the operation.  But after a few days, when she had returned to her old self in every other conceivable way, she still pissed on my stuff.  I don't know if she was doing it out of spite or if she had figured out that she could get away with it, but it took a few raps on the nose to break her of the habit, again.  And while that might have been effective when dealing with going number one in the house, something a little more direct might be necessary when we're talking about artillery shells.

#1 This One's Pretty Self-Explanatory

 

Some things just are what they are.